And a Punk Rocker in a Pear Tree! (Cains Xmas Craptacular Track 1)

WARNING: IF YOU TAKE CHRISTMAS TOO SERIOUSLY THIS EXCLUSIVE CAINS HOLIDAY CRAPTACULAR TRACK IS NOT FOR YOU. GO BACK TO JC PENNY AND CONTINUE TO CRY INTO THE FOLDED TURTLENECKS.

So Reid has this amazing Christmas story. I beg him to tell it every year. It takes place back when he had just moved to San Luis Obispo from Oakland and did't have that many friends or family to share the season with. It basically ends with him and his friend Stan drinking beers and eating gas station burritos and getting drunk on Christmas Day.

Why do I love this story? I DO love the pageantry of Xmas, the "drama," the decorations. I love the gifts and cookies! But...there's another, darker part of me who wants to poke holes in all of the bloated commercialism. A part of me that scoffs at animatronic Santas. The rebellious part of me that's like, "ARE CANDY CANES REALLY NECESSARY IN THIS WORLD?" It's the part that loves hearing David Sedaris tell his biting mall Christmas elf story just one more time.

I know. I love the Madonna Inn, fake Dolly Parton hair, dogs in sweaters...but can't deal with Xmas bloat (practically as American as apple pie or Top Gun)?  It's complicated.

For a few years, Reid and I were happy to part of our friends The Mutineers' Christmas showcase down in SB. That's where the infamous "JESUS FILLS MY WHOLE (HEART)" hymn first came into being (that will be posted shortly, many people will stop following me immediately, and that's A-OK).

With the annual trek down to Santa Barbara for the showcase, came the tradition of writing our own 100 percent dumb-as-a-rock holiday songs. Last year, we took 3 of our favorite, dumbest tunes and crafted this sarcastic, salty X-mas album and burned it onto a CD. Our band name: Hideous Sweater. Because....we always wanted to name a band that!

We gave it to my mom and step dad last year as an extremely off-color Christmas present. Because it was under wraps till Xmas day, it got zero online enjoyment. We are so sorry for this.

NOW IS THE TIME FOR THE CAINS HOLIDAY CRAPTACULAR TO COMMENCE!!!

P.S. Sorry if this gift made you uncomfortable, mom! I got my dark humor from you! You are still the best at making Christmas happen. And what we eat on Xmas day is sure better than gas station burritos, and a McCarthy's barstool!